Phuzzy's Guide to Evading the Law - A CBR Page Exclusive!

By: PhuzzyGnu
 
 

If you ride a sportbike, chances are at one time or another, you will feel it necessary to go fast. One of the main risks of high-speed antics is getting caught by The Man. In the following pages you will read descriptions of techniques learned from countless hours of evasion theory study by that lawfully riding guy, PhuzzyGnu.

Part One: Overcoming Societal Pressure.

One of the most plausible reasons for not pulling a runner from the law is the simple fear of getting caught. This is a perfectly reasonable fear. You are completely justified in worrying about what will happen to you if you take off from the police. If you have no fear or no qualms about running from the law, you are an idiot or a hardened criminal who needs no help from me anyway. The police have a job to do, and that job is getting criminal scum off the streets. The instant you whack that throttle open, tuck down, and run from the cops, you are criminal scum. There is no way around this.
 
 

Part Two: Ask Thyself Something.

Before you take off, you need to ask yourself a few things.

        1.Is it worth it?
        2.Do I have a chance?
        3.Am I doing this because Phuzzy said to?

Is it worth it- Before you make a choice to run, you need to think about this. If you get busted for felony evasion when you might have had a ticket for 60 in a 55, you won't think so. If you get pistol-whipped by a police officer all worked up after a 50-mile pursuit, you won't think so. If you crash your bike and break yourself, you won't think so. If you hit a child with your bike, you won't think so.

Do I have a chance?- If you already decided it was worth it to nail it and bugger off, are you now capable of getting away? Are you in bumper-to-bumper traffic on a highway where you have no real escape? Did the cop see your plate? Is your bike running well? Can you even ride worth a damn?

Am I doing this because Phuzzy said to?- DON'T take off because you read this damn HTML file while you were geeking around on a computer. If some nut named Phuzzy writes about running from the law, it doesn't mean he encourages it or wants you to try it. If Phuzzy jumped off a cliff, would you?
 
 

Part Three: Why the Hell Would I Want to Do This?

The only good reason to run from the law is because you are a maniac. Only BAD PEOPLE run from cops. Alternatively, if you were going WFO on a bike that you can barely afford to insure anyway and any ticket will force you to sell it, why not? Also, You get an incredible rush. Not that I would know anything about this, or anything like that.
 
 

Part Four: Why Wouldn't I Want to Take Off?

As mentioned in part 2(1), 2(2), and 2(3). above, there are several good reasons to not run from The Man. The main reason not to do this is IT IS AGAINST THE LAW AND YOU CAN GO TO JAIL. Ok?
 
 

Part Five: Familiarity

First and foremost, you should have some notion of where you are. You can bet the police officer is at least somewhat familiar with the area. You need to be able to take evasive action without running into any problems that will land your ass in jail. Without basic knowledge of the area, you can not make educated choices about evasion routes. Ending up on a dead end street or on a gravel road can ruin your day.
 
 

Part Six: Commitment

Once you go, you are a Bad Person. There really is no turning back. The minute an officer turns on his lights, you are supposed to stop. If you don't, you are now a criminal. There is about as much chance of you talking your way out of it if you get caught as there is a chance of you beating the entire Grand Prix grid in a race. Once you go, the game is on.
 
 

Part Seven: Equipment

If you intend to be successful, your bike needs to be capable of keeping up with your intentions.

Your motorcycle should be in good condition. Is your motor up to all you can ask of it? Are the wheels going to fall off? Are you going to run out of gas? Can you stop if the police block the road or some grey-hair pulls out in front of you? If it is night, does your headlight work so you see what's in front of you? Will your chain fall off and lie like a snake in the middle of the road?
 
 

Part Eight: Know Your Strengths

Motorcycles have certain advantages that make a runner more plausible.

First, motorcycles have superior acceleration and speed. The quickest cars are no match for even the most mediocre motorcycles, and in many cases the chase is effectively over in seconds when the motorcycle simply disappears from sight. A Ford Crown Victoria like those used by many police departments in the United States takes over 10 seconds to accelerate to 60 miles per hour. An average sportbike will do it under 4 seconds. The Crown Vic takes over 18 seconds to complete a 1/4 mile. Modern sportbikes can do this in well under 12 seconds. Most sportbikes will also easily surpass 120 miles per hour, which is the limit for most police cruisers.

Bikes have superior maneuverability compared to cars. A sportbike can turn better and simply fit more places than a car. You just don't need the room a car needs. This makes it possible to slip out of the car's grasp quite easily.

Motorcycles generally have better brakes than police vehicles. These come in handy because for every acceleration, there is an equal and sometimes more urgent deceleration.

Using straight-line quickness, you can increase the distance between you and the police. Using superior braking, turning, and acceleration, you can evade the police on streets where straight-line speed is not helpful.
 
 

Part Nine: Know The Enemy

If you have one police officer in a slow car, your chances are pretty good. A police officer in a fast car will make this whole escapade more difficult. Some jurisdictions in the US use 5.7L Camaros with a 160+ mph top speed. A county in far West Texas has a 180+ mile per hour Corvette ZR-1 seized from drug dealers that they use for pursuit, I'm told.

Police on motorcycles are slightly different. Even if they are on Kawasaki or Harley police bikes, they are still on machinery superior to their caged brethren and can surprise you.

Helicopters will catch you.
 
 

Part Ten: Abort! Abort! Abort!

Some times, luck will be against you and you will be in danger of getting caught. What now?

Just Stop and Take Your Punishment Like a Man- Yeah, right. Keep going until you can go no more.

You're already up a creek, why stop now?

Bail off- This is not recommended at speed or in close proximity to the police. If you have been running for any length of time, there are probably more of them than there are of you, making their part of the whole deal quite easy. Also, if you are the least out of shape, you can bet at least one of them runs marathons.

But wait!

Bail off, and report the thing STOLEN!- If you are in the clear, park the bike somewhere, go in a mall, go in a bookstore, whatever. Call a cab, go somewhere near the beginning of the pursuit, stash your riding gear (if any) and report your bike stolen. It may work. If the cops get your plate and beat you to your own house, you're screwed. If you are not able to change your description at all (as you wouldn't be able to if you weren't wearing any gear), you're screwed.

Whatever you do, don't bail off and go home. Lay low. You'll probably get your bike back if you succeed.
 
 

Part Ten: DISCLAIMER

Look, folks, I gave run from cops before. I have gotten on it on the highway and disappeared. I have run in the boonies. I have run in residential areas. I have never gotten caught. As a matter of fact, I have no tickets and no accidents on my record. I even have a safe driver discount. Just because I have done it in the past and gotten away with it means diddly-squat. You WILL NOT be so lucky forever. If you run from the law, you are an IDIOT. You are taking a risk of ruining your life and I will have no part of it. I was just sitting here with a laptop drinking Budweiser and being bored when I wrote this;  it means nothing. I accept absolutely NO responsibility for anything, anywhere, at any time. Don't be stupid.
 
 

THIS GUIDE REALLY TEACHES YOU NOTHING.
 

Coming Soon! Phuzzy's Guide to Proper Emergency Room Etiquette and Phuzzy's Guide to Picking up E.R. Nurses
 
 

Comments? Questions? Criticisms? Fan Mail? E-mail phuzzygnu@aol.com

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